The Laws of Ultimate Reality

**Law of Mechanical Repair **
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

**Law of Gravity **
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

**Law of Probability **
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

**Law of Random Numbers **
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

**Law of the Alibi **
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

**Variation Law **
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time - and I mean EVERY time).

**Law of the Bath **
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

**Law of Close Encounters **
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

**Law of the Result **
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

**Law of Biomechanics **
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

**Law of the Theater **
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

**The Starbucks Law**
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

**Murphy's Law of Lockers **
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

**Law of Physical Surfaces **
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

**Law of Logical Argument **
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

**Brown's Law of Physical Appearance **
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

**Oliver's Law of Public Speaking **
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

**Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy **
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (AMEN!)

**Doctors' Law **
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.